My boss is a control freak,” the young man complained.
“She hovers over my shoulder all day long. It’s like she’s looking for mistakes.” He went on to describe the classic micro-manager, often cited in cases of bullying.
Later the same day I saw a young mother who was excessively anxious about her new baby’s wellbeing. She used the same label on herself. “It’s my own fault — I’m such a control freak.”
While not a clinical term, control freak has become almost embedded in our language. It’s slapped on everything from personality disorder traits (e.g. narcissism) to bullying behaviour to perfectionism and anxieties.
In simple terms, control freak describes a person who is obsessively driven to manage themselves or others. The main driver is the fear that things will spin out of control — read, totally fall apart — if they don’t keep a very tight rein on, well, everything.
AND THEN WHAT?
While controlling traits can be helpful in leading, organising and smashing the To-Do list, excessive efforts to box up the world we live in, and the people we live and work with are not only futile — they can play havoc with our mental health. The obsessive need for control is both a trigger and maintaining factor for various anxieties.
So here are some of the signs to watch out for. [Note: this checklist is not designed to capture extreme personality disorder traits
Are You Too Control Freaky?
Answer Yes or No
1. You have a hard time with uncertainty — you keep active and “doing things” to avoid those anxious feelings.
2. You enjoy order. It helps you relax. Your house, desk or bedroom is usually neat as a pin.
3. You find it hard to delegate. When you do you worry the work/outcomes won’t be up to your high standards. So you keep a careful eye….
4. Speaking of high standards. Yours are Right Up There. You’d say you were setting the bar high. Others would call them unrealistic (or even madness).
5. You’re a my-way-or-the-highway type. Being right is important to you and you’ll argue your viewpoint for as long as it takes.
6. When you give “constructive criticism” it comes attached with your own agenda (how do I get what I want).
7. You constantly worry the WORST will happen — you mentally prepare for it and you spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent bad things from happening.
8. You have an authoritarian management or parenting style (you’d call it direct; others might say bossy or even a dictatorship) because you KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR EVERYONE.
9. Feeling vulnerable makes you uncomfortable.
10. So does spontaneity. You’d rather have a plan.
11. You put excess energy into managing other people’s (staff, partner, kids) behaviour. You wish you didn’t have to but….everything would fall apart if you didn’t.
Results
Mostly No.
You’re okay. Your control freak factor is well managed. But make sure you’re not too laid back or don’t organise or initiate anything — especially if there’s a control freak in your world: they might have good reason to be!
Mostly Yes.
A little control freaky-ness can be a useful life management skill. But check the reactions of your staff and family to your style: are they worn down, avoiding you and/or excessively resentful?
Even more importantly, check in on yourself. If you can’t deal with uncertain times, or manage your feelings of emotional discomfort you have work to do. Uncertainty is part of life — it can bring good things too. So practise sitting with distress and the uncomfortable feelings that go with it, letting some things go and being a little more spontaneous. It might even be fun.