“My old man shouts ‘Godammit, you should listen to my 58 years of experience’; but what he had was one year of experience repeated 58 times.” — writings of James A. Michener
I don’t want to be like them,” the man said, his brow furrowed. “But I’m turning into a sheep.”
We were sitting in a 10th floor office, staring down at the people crawling the streets below. They were city office workers, spilling out of buildings in their raincoats, eyeing up sushi or a sandwich for lunch.
“I do the same thing every day. Back and forth to work. Home. Dinner. TV. Bed. One day tips into the next. Same, same, same. Is this what it’s going to be for the next 20 years? Am I having a mid-life crisis?”
My client was in his late forties, the age when people typically begin to question the life they have set up — or landed in. He had also just been to a friend’s funeral, which had triggered thoughts about the brevity of life and his own mortality.
Crises of confidence and identity are often reported between 40 and 60 years, as people become aware they are not quite as hot as they were, physically or at work — or anywhere actually. And realise they have their life playlist set to repeat, just like everyone else.
It can lead to impulsive behaviour, sometimes with train-wreck consequences. But while not everyone splashes out on a racy convertible or dumps their partner for a newer model, it’s common to hear the whisper: IS THIS IT?
But what to do?
Help! I’m Stuck
Feeling stuck at certain times of your life is normal. It shows up in a million different disguises, but being torn between what you’re doing and what you (think you) could be doing is paralysing and — left unchecked — it can morph into depression. Or a loss of interest in your life which seeps into your personality.
So it’s important to shake things up, to find ways to keep your attitude, work and relationships alive, to try to smash the dad (or mom) bod into shape even when it rebels.
But radical change comes with a warning sticker: before you turn your life on its head here are four things to think about.
1. The grass on the other side of the fence is often brown.
People spend so much energy hankering for something, or someone, other than what they’ve got, only to find that the shiny new object or person does not make you feel better — and it frequently brings another set of problems altogether. One woman who’d left her “not very exciting” husband of 12 years for a new man (and his kids) told me the grass over the fence was not just brown, there was no grass at all. Food for thought.
2. If you are bored you may be being boring. (Take the test here)
Before you whip out your credit card or leap any fences, turn the blow torch on yourself. Are YOU the problem? Have you asked your partner and/or kids what you’re like to live with? Do you know what you’re like to work with? It may not be your situation that’s boring, my friend, it may be — ahem — closer to home than that.
3. If you want a magic fix start saving for Disneyland.
If you don’t want to follow the flock, and if you do want to make a change to your life, you need to ACT. You can hope for the wand of good fortune to wave over you, but it may be an eternal wait. Maybe you need to learn new skills, or to change jobs or to pick up a new interest or spice up your relationship? If so, it’s up to you to get things going — because the magic won’t find you.
4. Pain has a very long tail (but not if you are mean).
If you hurt someone with your bid for freedom or excitement, you may get away with it — especially if you are a mean person because you won’t care about the human carnage in your wake. But if you are a nice(ish) person, hit the pause button before you hurt people you care about — because it’ll hurt you too. It’s hard, if not impossible, to build a happy future on the back of other people’s pain.