A Strategy for Building Confidence
“Honesty,” the keynote speaker booms, opening the door to his address at a business conference.
“Honesty and integrity and the hallmarks of business,” he says and I feel my eyes roll back in my head. Not because I’ve heard all this before and it’s boring, even though it is, but because I know something of this man’s domestic situation.
His wife is my informant and he’s been cheating on her for two years. That’s not the interesting thing. The interesting thing is that he finds it so easy to compartmentalise his values between the different parts of his life. How does he fist pump about honesty to staff and colleagues, then call his wife and tell her he is working late when he is not planning on working at all?
I don’t want to spend time dumping on this man, because lots of men do this — and women too, only women are better at it — and that’s not the point of the story. The point is trying to live by lofty values is difficult because what we believe to be true and what we actually do are sometimes worlds apart.
People are not consistent across the board. We all lie, let people down, get things wrong — it is only the degree that separates us. So while it’s nice to wax on about what matters to you it’s important to climb down off the soapbox and get real about the behaviours that go with it.
Come Sit On the Couch
One of the main reasons people struggle psychologically is that they don’t have healthy core beliefs to hold them steady when trouble strikes. So one of the key pieces of work psychologists do is help people work out their anchors — what really matters to them — and how to stay aligned with them.
A personal mission statement can be helpful for guiding decision making and behaviours — as long as it doesn’t read like one of those creepy bullet-pointed posters organisations hang in reception that is about as arresting as peeling wallpaper.
So try this as a starting point instead.
What am I good at?
Strengths are more useful than values because it’s easier to build evidence for them. So write down your top three strengths. Not work-related either, make them about who you are as a person. (Note: do this by yourself, without leaning on a Strengths Finder tool)
Should be easy, right? But many people find this tough because they get caught up in what they’re not good at — and haven’t given any thought to their own skills. They can tell you their favourite colour is green and their favourite food is cheesecake and their secret indulgence is late night jelly wrestling but their talents? The things they have been complimented for? Hmmmmm.
The reason this matters is our strengths hold the keys to our true nature, and the ways we are best suited to make our unique contribution to the world. You can add skills, and you can shore up your weaknesses, but your strengths reveal who you truly are.
When you’ve got your list of three, come up with a recent piece of evidence for each. What behaviour did you do in the past week to prove it? For example if you said you were creative, what have you done in the past week to show for it?
By doing this, you’ll begin to embed self-knowledge and belief in the things you are good at. You’ll also begin to notice your strengths when you use them — and bring them into every area of your life.
Example: If you said you were creative, don’t confine it to that thing you do when no-one is watching. You should use it daily — in your chores, activities, conversations, where you go, who you talk to. You should find an avenue for demonstrating your creativity at work, no matter how small. If this is not possible, pay attention: it might not be the role for you.
For Your Kids (and You)
It’s super important to teach your kids to identify and use their strengths, but don’t let yourself off the hook. Tapping your own strengths will help you build resilience for when the winds of change (or disaster) roll in.
But how about leaving Honesty off the list? Let’s just agree that you’re a fairly honest person: I’m fine with that. Go out and do some good in the world instead.